Parenting in the Digital Age

We’d just collected my third grader from school and made it back home again, which meant my two littlest ones had been held hostage in the car for an hour round-trip.



Which is why the second my feet crossed the threshold, 1-year-old Charlie wriggled out of my arms and headed straight for the LEGOs, with 3-year-old Bailey at her heels.

Charlie picked up a bowl filled with LEGOs, and Bailey snatched it from her. Charlie threw her head back and let out a high-pitched wail.

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But what’s the difference between telling another person they are something bad versus telling them they’re being something bad?

Were these labels helping my children learn an important life lesson? Or were my words introducing shame and sadness, squashing any potential for them to learn from the situation?

I thought back to when I was a kid. When my uncle called me “grumpy” or my sister called me “lazy” or my teacher called me “shy.” Labels stick. More than 30 years later, they stick.

The idea of my careless words to my three-year-old sticking 30 years later? My eyes filled.

I promised myself I’d figure out the answer once and for all – what effect do my words really have on my kids? I spent several nights after the kids were in bed reading article after article, post after post. Here are the highlights of what I found:

When your child is shamed for her behavior, she’s so wrapped up in her own negative emotions that she’s less capable of feeling empathy toward others.

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Labeling your child’s behavior (or personality) in a negative way becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, when you declare something like this to yourself or another person, it’s enough to influence your behavior to fulfill that declaration of “truth.” For example, let’s say you’re nervous about giving a presentation and think to yourself, “I’ll probably forget all the words.” Then you probably will – you’re living “down” to a self-fulfilling prophecy. This phenomenon even has a name – the Golem effect. But if you tell yourself, “I’m excited to share what I know,” then you’re more likely to do well.

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I pulled back from our hug to see whether Bailey was starting to calm down. Her eyes were still rimmed in red, but the tears had stopped.

“Will you forgive me?” I asked.

She nodded, and then a pudgy baby hand appeared between us.

Little Charlie, holding out a LEGO that had been in the coveted bowl. A peace offering.



Bailey smiled. “Thank you, Charlie.”

And in response, Charlie did the hand sign for “thank you.”

An impromptu exchange of kindness between a three-year-old and a one-year-old.

I smiled big and scooped Charlie into my lap next to Bailey. “You guys are awesome sauce.”

Now, that’s a label I don’t mind sticking around for 30 years.

Source: idealistmom.com